Heartbreak.
It was a horrible feeling, really. Like your stomach was twisting apart and caving in. Like your head was stuffed with cotton and sparklers. Like your heart was being squeezed.
He couldn't get enough of it.
They way they laughed at him, smile as warm as the sun, the way they'd hold out their book for him and sheepishly explain whatever they were reading, the way they'd fidget with their glasses whenever he was speaking, nodding and hanging onto every word like it was important. It'd ram into Gillian's side and dig into his chest. It was wonderful. Soul-crushing. Breath-taking. Horrifying. Intoxicating.
They'd sit at the back of the classroom during their breaks. Gillian would join them. They'd talk. Talk about everything and anything- Lental, their hometown, the weather, Pokemon, books. Gillian would teach them Paldean tongue twisters. They would teach him old Ferrium sayings. Mundane, banal things. But Gillian loved it all. He wanted more. He wanted so much more.
He figured these feelings weren't normal. He never felt this way with anyone else in his classes. His grade, even. It was just them.
Why?
...
He wondered if they felt the same way.
Maybe I should ask.
Maybe he should.
What would happen if they said yes?
Who knows?
What if they say no?
Unlikely.
I should do it, shouldn't I?
Yes.
I should.
Yes.
He didn't.
They flew back home to Ferrum at the end of the year.
Gillian spent that night staring at the sky. Wondering if they were looking at the same stars, hundreds of kilometers away.
He'd never know, would he?
No.
The second time it happened, she was lucky enough to have a name to give it. Multiple, in fact.
This did not mean she was any better at expressing said feeling.
By the third time, she was quick to smother it. He couldn't afford to nurse another broken heart.
Even if.
Even if.
The way she hugged her. The way she covered her mouth when she laughed. How her fingernails glittered in the light, bright and acid washed hues. How she offered to paint his nails with a grin. How she talked about everything like it was the most interesting thing on earth, how she talked about watching shows he liked, how everything about her was perfect and divine, practically, and whenever Gill talked to her she forgot they were supposed to be working on whatever stupid biology assignment they had that week-
...
Arc. I'm hopeless, aren't I?
Oh, incredibly so.